Back to "Normal"

I had my ultra sound yesterday and the baby is gone. This was no surprise to me but I am tired of mourning the loss of a child that no one knows, I hardly knew and yet leaves a gaping hole inside my heart. What is normal. Why, when I had my first miscarriage in May of 2007 did I have a feeling that this was a new precedent. I"m very hurt and feel very alone. The kids are awesome, letting me sleep with their stuffed animals, Ben is awesome and at the same time feeling a loss for me- its so different with guys. I can't pretend that this never happened; yet I wish it didn't. Somehow, I go on....and I figure out how to pick myself back up. Yet I feel there is still a missing part to my sentence. Not quite sure what is next.

The Miscarriage Carnival

Let me take you on a ride. I've never shared, truly, my emotions in the midst of this roller coaster nightmare. Yet, here I am, trying to convey this ride I am tired of riding. Its a dark, cruel, mind blowing ride that messes with your heart, emotions and strength. Come along with me, and let me describe to a world that probably is foreign to many and familiar to few. The ride is called miscarriage and its a horror ride that you never intended to jump on and you never asked for. I have just gone through my fifth. Yes, fifth. This last I had no idea I was even pregnant, didn't even ask for it, and instead of ending in a sweet surprise...its ending in tears and anger. My questions out weigh my strength and I am tired. I didn't ask for this! All I asked for was healthy pregnancies....this shouldn't be this hard. You will NEVER understand if you have NEVER been through this horror ride. Your heart aches and a part of you dies each time. For me, its been five times.

Wow God, I learned the pain of this the first time...why five? God is a God of life....yet, right now I hear silence. This ride whips me around and I hear silence and screams, agony from a mama that only wants a successful pregnancy. This ride brings complete apprehension and terror when a positive pregnancy test shows. There is NO excitement, no thinking to the future, its a day by day being so in tune to your body that your mind plays horrid games on you. This ride produces pain - something that that leaves you tired and alone.

The first trimester is an alone and isolating time. You can't share your pregnancy with anyone because you know, deep down inside the likely hood of loosing this pregnancy is huge. You sit there, in misery day in and day out wondering if this is the day that you will lose the baby. You make it to 4 weeks...ok, breathe...try to make it a few more weeks...you make it to 6 weeks...ok, you make it to 7 weeks yet your nauseousness is starting to wain- FAIL.

This last miscarriage...I didn't even plan for it, it happened- I want to say " screw you" to all of the TLC shows that have moms on there stating, " I didn't know I was pregnant". Pain, hurt....here I am riding up and down and upside down on a ride where an evil clown laughs and I feel mocked and a failure. I again, cry out to God but feel silence.

This shouldnt' be so hard. If you have never gone through a miscarriage please don't pity me. I hate pity. I am angry- if you can't handle it stop reading. I just ask God "why?". Why let this happen again and again. I don't expect an answer...maybe if I eat fast food all day, sit on my booty and watch soap operas, maybe I'll get pregnant and stay pregnant....whatever...I feel like a failure and as the ride clicks to the top there is so much pain that I pray as I tumble down the hill it will leave through my tears and screams. Maybe when I go upside down it will fly away, maybe I can harden just a little bit more and I won't feel the pain...maybe, just maybe. People name their babies, I can't. I just don't understand why God, in his faithfulness....is allowing this to happen. He isn't causing it but allowing it....and is holding five, not one but five of my babies....again, I never asked for this. I never asked for Him to hold them, that was suppose to be ME!!!

But, here I am...in a dark, desolate carnival where there is only one ride- it is pitch black and those that are on it before me, their tears are falling on me. I know, my turn is coming, only so my tears can fall on the next person who is waiting in line below me. Pain, so much pain, tears, so much tears. All for a beautiful prize- one that is never achieved. What was that like, in my naive days when I was pregnant with the boys....where things happened and I never had to ride this carnival ride. What I would give to go back to those days.

Yet, here I am, once again. Nothing makes sense. All I can do is Trust. Right now, I"m trusting, but God- you are so silent....as the ride whirls past me again, my hair blows and I find myself, on this ride for the fifth time, in my short life. Life, you are so cruel at times, so, so cruel.

a found paper

Last year, at this time, there was so much pain in my heart due to the two recent miscarriages I had gone through. At that time, I became an advocate for natural childbirth, midwives and doulas. I educated myself on the system that is now in place and, in my very strong opinion, the conspiracy and stolen right to experience childbirth the way it was designed. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote, may I never forget the power and might of God.

I am beginning this book, not has someone who has all the answers, a licenced psychologist, physician, therapist or pastor. I am beginning this book as a woman who has just recently lost my third baby, in a row, fourth total to miscarriage and my feelings are raw; untamed and overwhelming. You, no less, are reading this book due to a recent event in your own life or in the life of someone dear to you. You search , as I do, for answers and cry out to God who seems to be so silent in those moments of anger, hurt, frustration and tears. My prayer is that this writing will not only be therapeutic for me, as I begin to release the torrent of emotions that feel breeched by an unspoken dam, but helpful to you.

I have found that there are very few resources out there designed to validate one's emotions, encourage and support one through a very difficult and unanticipated journey, one you never asked for, one you never wanted. To have a child? Should this statement always end with a question mark instead of a period? As I continue through this chapter in my life, one I never wanted to revisit, I will try to find comfort in learning who God is, what does grieving a miscarriage look like, what role do our friends and family play, and how will my heart, as broken and shattered as it is , ever be restored.

I pray that you, in the midst of your swollen eyes, shock, numb emotions, anger, abandonment, and desperation will cling on to these next few words, as I am now. For now, I have empty arms, a shattered heart but I am believing in a restoring God who will fill my arms and restore my heart.