Sunday, December 15, 2019

My Blood Disorder Has a name

          As many of you are aware, I had a massive debilitating stroke 7 years ago while pregnant with baby #5. The cause "pregnancy related". I underwent three full years of non stop therapy( physical, speech, occupational, cognitive retraining), Dr. apps, driving evaluations, psycho therapy appointments, psychiatric appointments, hematologist, neurologist, etc. All while trying to learn how to be a Mom and wife again and dealing with extreme feelings of sadness, grief, mourning, and loss.  Needless to say, as the therapy began to lift, appointments began to dwindle I decided to take a  break from any  medical appointment. I was tired, my once proactive lifestyle for health was crushed. I no longer cared about preventative things such as pap smears, mammograms.

       After a random appointment with my psychotherapist, I stated I would like to be done with Coumadin. So, she suggested I revisit my hematologist. So, reluctantly I made that appointment. ( me and my big mouth).  I see my doctor and she ordered a complete work up of my blood. The lab took nine viles of blood! Here we go again. I could feel all my anxiety of doctors starting to creep up. I was angry I had opened up pandora's box.  A few weeks passed as the blood was accessed.
    I returned to my doctor this past week. She said I have a blood disorder called lupus(not lupus) anticoagulant  blood disorder. Which means, my blood thickens unnaturally causing  clots. She said it answers why I lost 5 babies to miscarriage and had a massive stroke. She smiled at Ben and I and said, "You know you are a miracle, right?! You know having your 5 kids is a miracle."  I was relieved and grateful  to Gods that we had a diagnosis. This is an autoimmune disorder, basically my cells bind unnaturally to each other causing clots.  I cannot believe God in his mercy and sovereignty protected me countless times, protected all 5 live babies, continually heals my body(still waiting on my left hand). In other words, I'm  on Coumadin for life :)

     Even when we don't think God is working, He is working, even we feel He is silent and cannot hear us, He hears. I'm still sad about my stroke, I grieve the life I had, I grieve the loss we, as a family, have experienced. Yet, I truly believe that God causes all things to work for good, for those who love the Lord.

    I'm thankful for the years that lay ahead of me. I am thankful to be able to give my kids a name to the blood disorder, so they can be tested for it, when ready. .  I am so so thankful to Jesus Christ for continually walking with me through this very hard and dark time of my life.  Lupus Anticoagulant you are not stronger than Jesus who by his blood I am healed.  I fought for everything I have in life, my life as a Mama, to be a Mama. Even when I didn't know I was fighting I was fighting.  Here are two blogs written with two hands before my stroke..... soo they are much longer and more descriptive.  Hence, the reason my blogging has all but slowed and stopped since my stoke.


Sunday, May 28, 2017

Knights in Training by Heather Haupt-Review

  I am so excited to write this review on Knights in Training by Heather Haupt. This book speaks to the heart of "boy moms" everywhere who desire to raise up strong, caring, responsible,  and compassionate young men. As a Mama of three young "knights in training". I have always felt strongly about raising up godly young men, who possess "chivalrous" traits. The  amazing news is Heather has written  a great resource for "boy moms" to refer to on a daily basis. Her resource is a must have for anyone looking to sort a #chivalarymovement!!! Preorder yours today!preorder knights in training!!!!

Monday, May 8, 2017

A Daunting Challenge

         I have an epic summer vacation plan this summer! We will be camping, hiking, fishing, relaxing, and exploring as a family! Also, we will add up to 19 cancellation stamps to our passport! I have as many reservations planned as I could. Unfortunately , not all national parks allow reservations... many are first come first served. I hope we can secure a site! summer trip 2017!   I am so excited to gaze at the  stars, take a cave tour in Great Basin, eat a ton of smores! This summer cannot get here fast enough!  Making memories together is something I treasure as when I was in therapy full time... we went nowhere all freakin' hot summer long....but now that I am free... WE hit the road and explore!

family goal to cancel as many national parks, monuments, battlefields, ad trails as humanly possible!

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Trip Planning

I am enthusiastic, passionate, and creative naturally. My motto is "go big or go home."  I love planning family vacations experiences. I am in the middle of planning an epic road trip back to my home state of Michigan,  I am still waiting for the final "yes" from Ben. This trip will be amazing! We will learn so much history and collect so many cancellation stamps.  I am like Goofy, from the Goofy  Movie.  I may even be a more an extreme version of him. True story. Sometimes, my family looks at me with  my sprawling maps, pinterest ideas on cheap living on the open road, and they smile nervously, or is it sweetly??? They love me and my love for life. I tell them when I die, put my ashes in different baggies and when  they visit a national park... just sprinkle the baggy there. I love nature, fresh air, history, crazy family moments, pb&j road trip sandwiches, crap gas station coffee, laughing hysterically because life is so insane.. and my family loves me for it.  I really hope Ben says "yes". I am ready for some summer fun in the cooler northern part of the country.   I am researching people to stay with for the night... So, I might ask you :) Life is an adventure; it is windy, unpredictable, wild, and a journey and I intend on carpe diem.. each moment even if I am Goofy on steroids, see movie clip below.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

video of my story

Raw Emotions, Hurt.

My fourth child lost her first top tooth tonight. My heart hurts so bad. Milestones with Hannah hurt the most for me. When the stroke happened, she was only 21 months.  We were connected at the hip. I missed out on a lot of her milestones. My sister in law potty trained her, comforted her when I was absent. I will never forget her walking into my hospital room wth her soft, wavy , bleached blonde hair and waving her pudgy hand to me and saying "Hi Mama!" I buried my face in her soft hair and hugged her.

When Hannah began kindergarten, I sobbed. I feel like time is racing, and I am not capturing enough moments. Tonight, she struggled going to bed because she is trying desperately to stop sucking her fingers. Ben taped her fingers, I  cuddled in her bed, holding her taped, listening to soft worship music on her cd player and feeling like my heart was going to break from watching my Lou grow up.

Please stop, I do not feel I am doing a good enough job. Many days I feel so overwhelmed and inadequate to mama five  kids ranging from preschooler to preteen, with a brain injury. I am so inadequate for this job. Jesus, I'm sorry for trying to do the on my own. I don't want to mess this up... but daily, I feel as though I am. I will miss her baby tooth and the beautiful gap between her teeth.

Why does my heart hurt so much? Maybe because ALL  my babies are growing up... and it hurts. I don't know what I'm doing! Sorry this is a rambling, tears are streaming down my face bc life hurts, transition hurts, loss hurts, and I'm still grieving. Gosh I hate grieving.  Hannah stop losing teeth, stop having birthdays, just stay my little Lou  a little while longer.. while I try and catch up to our lost years. I'm sorry, I was absent during those formative of years... I missed you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry my energy isn't always up to speed. Gosh my heart hurts. Your notes to me are so special, I don't deserve your love for me. You are so fancy, love frills, lace, skirts... anything girly. Yet you are amazing at building things, puzzles. You re so creative Lou- you are passionate and determined like your Mama,