Monday, October 10, 2011

The Miscarriage Carnival

Let me take you on a ride. I've never shared, truly, my emotions in the midst of this roller coaster nightmare. Yet, here I am, trying to convey this ride I am tired of riding. Its a dark, cruel, mind blowing ride that messes with your heart, emotions and strength. Come along with me, and let me describe to a world that probably is foreign to many and familiar to few. The ride is called miscarriage and its a horror ride that you never intended to jump on and you never asked for. I have just gone through my fifth. Yes, fifth. This last I had no idea I was even pregnant, didn't even ask for it, and instead of ending in a sweet surprise...its ending in tears and anger. My questions out weigh my strength and I am tired. I didn't ask for this! All I asked for was healthy pregnancies....this shouldn't be this hard. You will NEVER understand if you have NEVER been through this horror ride. Your heart aches and a part of you dies each time. For me, its been five times.

Wow God, I learned the pain of this the first time...why five? God is a God of life....yet, right now I hear silence. This ride whips me around and I hear silence and screams, agony from a mama that only wants a successful pregnancy. This ride brings complete apprehension and terror when a positive pregnancy test shows. There is NO excitement, no thinking to the future, its a day by day being so in tune to your body that your mind plays horrid games on you. This ride produces pain - something that that leaves you tired and alone.

The first trimester is an alone and isolating time. You can't share your pregnancy with anyone because you know, deep down inside the likely hood of loosing this pregnancy is huge. You sit there, in misery day in and day out wondering if this is the day that you will lose the baby. You make it to 4 weeks...ok, breathe...try to make it a few more make it to 6 weeks...ok, you make it to 7 weeks yet your nauseousness is starting to wain- FAIL.

This last miscarriage...I didn't even plan for it, it happened- I want to say " screw you" to all of the TLC shows that have moms on there stating, " I didn't know I was pregnant". Pain, I am riding up and down and upside down on a ride where an evil clown laughs and I feel mocked and a failure. I again, cry out to God but feel silence.

This shouldnt' be so hard. If you have never gone through a miscarriage please don't pity me. I hate pity. I am angry- if you can't handle it stop reading. I just ask God "why?". Why let this happen again and again. I don't expect an answer...maybe if I eat fast food all day, sit on my booty and watch soap operas, maybe I'll get pregnant and stay pregnant....whatever...I feel like a failure and as the ride clicks to the top there is so much pain that I pray as I tumble down the hill it will leave through my tears and screams. Maybe when I go upside down it will fly away, maybe I can harden just a little bit more and I won't feel the pain...maybe, just maybe. People name their babies, I can't. I just don't understand why God, in his allowing this to happen. He isn't causing it but allowing it....and is holding five, not one but five of my babies....again, I never asked for this. I never asked for Him to hold them, that was suppose to be ME!!!

But, here I a dark, desolate carnival where there is only one ride- it is pitch black and those that are on it before me, their tears are falling on me. I know, my turn is coming, only so my tears can fall on the next person who is waiting in line below me. Pain, so much pain, tears, so much tears. All for a beautiful prize- one that is never achieved. What was that like, in my naive days when I was pregnant with the boys....where things happened and I never had to ride this carnival ride. What I would give to go back to those days.

Yet, here I am, once again. Nothing makes sense. All I can do is Trust. Right now, I"m trusting, but God- you are so the ride whirls past me again, my hair blows and I find myself, on this ride for the fifth time, in my short life. Life, you are so cruel at times, so, so cruel.

1 comment:

Haley K said...

Oh Amanda..... I am so sorry. I too know the pain a miscarriage leaves in your heart and how that pain never goes away, but to endure that pain five times? I cannot fathom. My prayers will be with you during this time - for this baby and the last four too. <3