Thursday, November 14, 2013

So Scared

    A year ago, i went into labor with Ezekiel Asher Benjamin. I was scared, terrified of how to care for an infant, when I could barely care for myself. This was the longest, hardest year of my life. I couldn't problem solve him do to the stroke. I cried myself to sleep most nights, with a screaming newborn next to me.I tried to nurse him,change him, dress him, support his neck with one arm. It was incredibly hard . I gave Krista more peep shows than she probably ever cared to see :)Just keeping it real. So many times, Ben and  I would question whether God cared or listened to us. I figured He creed nothing  about us. I felt alone, afraid and defeated, discouraged...and I had a new life to care for. I had no idea how to care for Zeke post stroke.
    In labor, I was afraid of getting the epidural due to my blood thinners, I didn't want any bleeding in my spine. So, I was going to try to do it natural, but my blood pressure started to get too high. I gave birth to a beautiful, smooshed, World changer amidst so much pain and fear. I stared at his little life, I couldn't believe that God preserved him through the whole stroke, through multiple x rays, morphine, mri, and ct scans, not able to walk, sit, hold my neck up, move my left arm. He was perfect, just like God's never ending love for me.
    God is close to there broken hearted. He proved himself so faithful through this past year, he helped me to nurse for six months. He also gave us Krista, who did more for all of us than I could ever repay. Most Mondays, we would get up early scrambling around to  get ready for speech therapy. I would pump for many many bottles for Zeke to drink while i was at therapy and six hour neuro psych testing.. Every second we would lay him down to try and get ready,make lunch for the other four and  he would wake up and cry. It tore my heart apart to constantly have to leave him for multiple therapies and I felt so alone.
I needed God's strength, yet I felt weak. Day after day, week after week. Looking back I can see God's grace, peace and strength. He truly never left us even in our darkest most despairing hour. I never imagined ending my family this way.Yet, even more i can never imagine my life without Christ and Ezekiel. They both have forever impacted my life in life changing ways. . Never will I leave you nor nor for sake you. Ezekiel means " Jehovah will strengthen", not may  or possibly..but WILL!!!!

      I cried out to God to help us, he gave us Krista who started getting up with Zeke once i started CTN just so I could get a complete night's sleep for a day of therapy the next.I cannot sugar coat this past year it was difficult, lonely and terrifying..yet, my faith in God is so deep.I did not look forward to my pregnancy for the majority . Now I am head over heels in love with my little walker, his beautiful smile and laugh, his peacemaker's heart , his wavy  blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes. Yes, God carried us through this past year, Ezekiel I love you so much, I am thankful for your life. You bless me, your babbles are beautiful .