Sunday, March 17, 2013


I don't know if I should even write this blog is more of a virtual journey for me. I have been super down lately. The last month was incredibly difficult. I wanted nothing to do with anyone,anything at all. I wanted. To delete my Facebook and drop off from the face of the earth.if you ask me how I'm doing, my answer will depend on the setting, who's around, who you are and how sincere I gauge Your question.

        Over the past ten months. There have been moments of joy,excitement, so much pain and loss, and anger than I know what to do with sometimes. Yet, late in February . I received two cognitive evaluations,in a row.

         After, reading these two and seeing how far, I feel I have come and looking forward and seeing how far. I have still to go. Discouraged me more than I can express. I'm sick if this season.. I want every ounce of my life back. I want to home school, make all the meals, get rid of my cleaning lady, drive again.

         So upon. Seeing my downward spiral. My family, suggested I may be depressed, which I vehemently denied. I am not a depressed person! Depression meds just make  you fat,dependent . Apparently, I have a lot of judgemental  attitudes towards anti depressants.

         It takes a Bit to get the meds working,I on day two...still no weight gain...but I'm watching. I'm not proud to Be on them... But I'm putting  it out there so people know how to pray. I know this will be short term.

   I know, lots of people are on them...but I'm not one of them..generally, I'm very happy..just not lately...because depression can adversely effect my cognitive recovery and well being  of my family...after much fighting, denying, hurting others.....I've's not worth it anymore.

     Funny, I thought I was doing a good job of keeping it all to myself. Every morning, i would wake up with the best intention for a great day....yet, something would always happen that would send me into an emotional spiral.

Yes, I'm taking anti depressants.. No it's not natural...but I'm surviving this season...right now.

I pray,next year when I look back a year from now ill be blogging about home schooling again, gosh, I miss that !

Monday, March 4, 2013

Good right brained games


Hot steamy, shower conversations

     Early this morning, Ezekiel and I were standing in the kids bathroom with the steamy shower running because he was coughing so much, and my heart literally broke for him, his discomfort, I bounced him,, prayed over him and kissed his little head.
          I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me and say, Ezekiel cannot heal himself but feels comfort knowing he is in your arms. Amanda , you cannot heal yourself so stop trying.. My heart breaks for you, when I see you struggling and  I me, believe me that you are safe in my arms,rest in I sat in the bathroom at 5am..I cried because I am so tired of trying to recover and so weary and feel that every corner we turn there is yet another a mile of this marathon run.. and i feel too tired because i don't know when it will end and it hurts .I never trained for this!

     I am  nine months post stroke , yet recovering from this brain injury is so incredibly hard with five children eight and under... I don't feel like I have a role anymore. I feel a huge loss of identity.Have you ever cried so hard you cant see straight and your nose is running and mixing with your salty tears.. I have had, more days than i can count.

        I opened the door of the steamy bathroom at five in the morning and walked quietly down the dark hallway where my other four children peacefully slept, and nestled Ezekiel into my bed... Then I quietly walked to the opposite side of the bed, covered my face and slept . I feel so much like Ezekiel sometimes, helpless dependant, crying because no I feel no one understands , but God tries to remind me when I will listen , that I cannot heal myself ...and that's impossible   for me... Because I grew up with the mentality, if you tried hard enough at something , you would succeed .brain injuries do not work that way.