Early this morning, Ezekiel and I were standing in the kids bathroom with the steamy shower running because he was coughing so much, and my heart literally broke for him, his discomfort, I bounced him,, prayed over him and kissed his little head.
I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me and say, Ezekiel cannot heal himself but feels comfort knowing he is in your arms. Amanda , you cannot heal yourself so stop trying.. My heart breaks for you, when I see you struggling and hurting..trust I me, believe me that you are safe in my arms,rest in that....as I sat in the bathroom at 5am..I cried because I am so tired of trying to recover and so weary and feel that every corner we turn there is yet another a mile of this marathon run.. and i feel too tired because i don't know when it will end and it hurts .I never trained for this!
I am nine months post stroke , yet recovering from this brain injury is so incredibly hard with five children eight and under... I don't feel like I have a role anymore. I feel a huge loss of identity.Have you ever cried so hard you cant see straight and your nose is running and mixing with your salty tears.. I have had, more days than i can count.
I opened the door of the steamy bathroom at five in the morning and walked quietly down the dark hallway where my other four children peacefully slept, and nestled Ezekiel into my bed... Then I quietly walked to the opposite side of the bed, covered my face and slept . I feel so much like Ezekiel sometimes, helpless dependant, crying because no I feel no one understands , but God tries to remind me when I will listen , that I cannot heal myself ...and that's impossible for me... Because I grew up with the mentality, if you tried hard enough at something , you would succeed .brain injuries do not work that way.