Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Monday, March 26, 2012

Applying James 3:17

Today I read in my quiet time James 3:17. This is a verse that I feel so strongly in my spirit to meditate on and to ask the Holy Spirit to continually renew and work in my heart. There are times that I feel the complete opposite of this on the inside. Or, I feel that I have so much to change that I cannot even imagine where to begin or that I am doing alright.

Raising a family requires more sacrifice of myself than I could have ever imagined. It requires me to lay down my selfish ambition and my insecurities. I am forced to confront parts of me that quite honestly would never come out or be known, except to God, because of the life I've created. I am so thankful for the powerful working of the Holy Spirit and to know that " Nothing is impossible with God."


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Grow Old With Me Please

Out of the blue, I could not sleep last night and then when I finally did fall asleep I had the most realistic and intense dream ever. Ben and I were around 100, married for around 80 years and we were laying in bed late at night and I just held his hand and looked at him with the most indescribable peace and said, " Baby, I do not think I am going to be waking up tomorrow. I think I will be meeting Jesus tonight."

Years that had turned into decades that had turned into a half of a century that had turned into a lifetime of love, heartache, memories, laughter, sadness, growing and family was coming to an end, this side of heaven. He held my hand and we decided to call up our family.

As we turned on the lights in the living room, for it was late at night, car upon car upon car of first, second, third and fourth generations began filling our living room. Ben and I sat in two chairs. He sat quietly, holding my hand and as I had each family divide into their respective heads, Jayden's family, Austen's, Moriah's, etc. I walked around and blessed them.

I looked each child, grandchild, great grandchild, great-great grandchild in the eyes and spoke a blessing upon them. Speaking the word of God into their hearts and declaring promise for their lives. After this moment was over the families mingled and the small children ran wild in the house and Ben and I sat and just took it all in.

We observed more than interacted. Laughter filled the air and the presence of God- just an indescribable peace was in our home. I felt so sad, knowing that my time on earth was over, but such an expectant peace at what lay ahead of me and the five children that I would finally be meeting in Heaven. My heart lept inside of me knowing that Ben and I, by God's grace, gave this life our all. We sacrificed and poured into our children and children's children the love and grace and peace of God. The feeling was overwhelming.

Even now, I am crying because the dream was so real. Finally, for the final time in my life on Earth and slowly got up and asked my great-great-great grandchildren if they wanted to make chocolate chip cookies with me. For decades I had been the warm hearth of baking smells and love that my family had grown to expect and love.

Standing over the kitchen aid, the children clamored and we broke the eggs and they poured the flour, and it spilled everywhere, and I didn't care. I  kept looking at Benjamin through the crowds and laughter and whispering, " Thank you, thank you for our life together" and tears crept into his old eyes and he just kept blowing me sweet, gentle kisses and saying, " thank you".

After the cookies were baked and the families had given me their hugs and love and I embraced my children extra long because I knew, I knew my time was ending. Ben and I slowly, very slowly walked to our bedroom and we laughed and cried and got ready for bed one final time. We held hands and he kept saying, " Please don't go to sleep yet, I'm not ready to say goodbye". SO we talked and reminisced more and we had so many memories, so many beautiful memories. Finally, my old body overcame to sleep and I kissed him one last time and looked him in the eyes and said, " Thank-you for loving me and for our life together." We held hands, we fell asleep.

May we finish well and finish strong. May our home be filled with generation upon generation of God-fearing children and grandchildren. My our love and life be a testimony to them. By God's grace. Amen.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Out With the Old

Tomorrow I am buying some new workout/running shoes. These trusty shoes have gone through three years of running, working out, a 25K run and countless squats and push ups. I love these shoes, they are shot. I cannot even run outside with them anymore because they are so worn down. They have visible holes, no tread, and yes at times, they smell.

I loved wearing them out. I love wearing anything out. It gives me such an accomplished feeling. I feel so excited to buy some new shoes tomorrow and thinking of all the great workouts and runs I will have in those babies . I used to buy a new pair of shoes every year but thanks to indoor gyms with childcare memberships, I can deal with an older pair, longer and not have to worry that my hips are going to shatter under the lack of absorbency.

I work out, I run, I love being as healthy and balanced as I possibly can be. However, I work out for sanity, for stress release, for " me" time and for fun. There are so many reason I stress to others to make working out, even 30 minutes a day, apart of their lifestyle. I will never stop. Even when I was pregnant, I worked out, swam and lifted weights.

There is nothing more releasing then sweating through a very stressful day and coming out breathing strong and realizing that there is always tomorrow. Home schooling can take a lot out of a person, especially when life doesn't really stop or slow down when you wish it would. Goodbye trusty shoes, you have been amazing to me and I thank you for all the miles we have gone through together. Don't worry, I'm not throwing you out, we'll still hike together until your mesh falls off and the soles become as thin as flip flops, I'll find a use for you.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Friday, January 6, 2012

Sweet Prayers

Today the kids noticed that dear Sally Bonny ( Austen's anole he received for Christmas) was missing out of their tank. Honestly, we have no idea how she could have gotten out as Frisky ( Jayden's anole) is still in there. The kids are heart broken, and so are we. Here is how our prayers went tonight.

Moriah " Dear Jesus, please help us find Sally Bonny. Help her to be ok, that we will find her, that she will not be 'wost' any more, that we can buy a new one at the pet store, that she will be nice."
Austen: " Dear Jesus, I pray that we find Sally Bonny and that the new anole we get at the pet store will get along lovely with Frisky."

The kids' cheeks are tear stained and red. This breaks our hearts! I pray we find her, that she is somehow hidden so well in the dirt that she will just come out- it doesn't bother me that their might be a lizard in our home, just if she is out, how did she get out? God hears our prayers and He is so good that someone can be praying for the life of their child and another can be praying for a lizard to be found- and His heart is so tender to them both. What a beautiful Father!

Another interesting conversation that Ben and I had the enjoyment of listening in on was on the way to the zoo today,
Moriah- " My tummy does not hurt anymore. I went to bed, my brain told me to fall asleep fast and now I am awake and it doesn't hurt."
Austen- " Why did your tummy hurt?"
Moriah- " Because, Abby and I snuck into Owen's candy drawer and ate all his candy. We were sneaky and I am very sorry now for that. I will not do that again."

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Temper Tantrums and Ink

Today the kids and I arose early to get ready for our local Heritage Festival. This is put on once a year and goes from the Revolutionary War through the Civil War with many volunteers who are dressed in the traditional uniform, extremely knowledgeable about their particular time period with fun music and activities to participate in and watch.

I grabbed a box of granola bars, the kids had all eaten breakfast and we set off. Upon arriving I should have known that this would not be "our" day as Hannah refused to sit in the stroller. We strolled up, handed the lady our tickets and walked in. I am pushing a stroller while holding Hannah who is screaming bloody murder at 9 AM!!!!! What on earth! There are so many cool tents and places to learn and hear about but I have a toddler screaming hysterically in my ear! I felt so frazzled!

We arrived at the first tent and I set her down. However, Hannah was not interested in listening to the man describe how to load a musket, no she was interested in venturing to the nearest smoldering fire to take a look. So, I was constantly picking her up and moving her to safe location only to have her two seconds later venture back out again.

I did hear some interesting facts and encouraged the boys, especially, to ask questions. However, my time was predominately spent with a determined 15 month old who cared nothing for the reenactments and everything for the most dangerous object within arms reach. We moved over to a tent where there was mountain men from the time period prior to the 1830s. The men who explored the Rockie Mountains. I am not sure if this was Lewis and Clark era but it was pretty interesting. Again, Hannah gravitated to the hot, smoldering coals.

To be polite we stayed and listened as an older gentleman, wearing the traditional mountain man outfit, began on a lengthy story telling spree. Three of my kids were staring into space and Hannah was screaming, screeching, tripping, eating mouths full of dirt and squawking. Wow, this is LOADS of fun!

My goal, at that moment, went from wanting to make it to 4pm to just get us to the Revolutionary War skirmish and then I wanted to leave. Hannah then, went ballistic. She was so bad that everything was quiet except her screaming. I put her in the stroller, told the kind gentleman "Thank-you." and we took off to the parking lot. I was hoping that I could give her a granola bar to settle her down. She was strapped into the stroller yet was hanging her body as far out as the straps would allow her, screaming, thrashing and snotting everywhere.

The lady at the gate said, " Oh, I'm sorry...I hope you aren't leaving." My reply, " We'll see." Why do I have expectations?? Why, oh why???! I find the granola bars, and gave her two, She needs one in each hand, you know. I gave her Jayden's water bottle, she screams because it kept falling out of her hands, even though she insisted on holding both granola bars at the same time. Finally, she manages to slurp the water as it drips all over her making the dirt on her clothes now mud all the while still maintaining control of the granola bars.

We set off, back into the festival and she starts to scream again, Riah starts to cry because she is hungry- this is 10 am ! I just stop. I'm like, " Either we all stop crying or we are all leaving." Riah decides to join the " no tears club" and we continue back in. Hannah, again, refuses to sit. All for the love of my boys, I hold her when all I wanted to do was throw her into her carseat, strap the heck out of her and leave.

We walk around and she smiles at me like, " Wow Mama, holding your hand with my muddy shirt and dirty granola bars is the absolute best!!". I smirked at her, I'm sorry- smiling at her was more than I could muster at that moment.

Finally, we ended up over at the Gold Rush era and a lady there was so helpful and knowledgeable. The kids, with a couple of their friends ( I told the kids we would not join their friends if Hannah continued to scream. There was no sense ruining the experience for everyone) ground coffee, talked about winding wool into yarn, wrote their names in calligraphy with a feather and ink, and saw some very cool blacksmiths at work. The kids then jumped around some bales of hay and visited an out west school room where Hannah managed to tip an entire ink holder with black ink all over a bale of hay and coated her hands. This was the third day of the festival and we were the first to add black ink to the hay.

Finally, oh finally, the Revolutionary War skirmish began. The boys ran up to the front while I sat back with the girls. This was  very cool, loud and authentic. I hope that the kids enjoyed it as much as I did and the funny thing was that the loud cannon and gun noises did not even faze Hannah Lou. Not one bit. The kids watched the entire battle, it was very well done. The whole show was well done but I was just a tad distracted the ENTIRE time. I do not think I will take an one year old with me again.

I bought the boys coon skin hats and Riah to go along with our upcoming out west and Revolutionary war study. We left, picked up a $5 pizza at Little Caesars and now everyone is napping/quiet time.

Oh, and PS. I must mention that Hannah required her white and pink sleep blanket with her at all times. This is whether she deemed it necessary to whip on the ground, under the stroller, roll around on the grassy field or hold it. It must, at all times, be under her control. I ran into the pizza place and Riah had given Hannah a chocolate chip cookie, while holding her blanket, with ink all over her hands and grass stuck in the blanket. I then gave her a piece of pizza with cheese and sauce, in her carseat with chocolate on her hands and ink all over them. Then, came the water, drinking, slurping, spilling. We come home, I wipe her down, changer her diaper, put her down for her nap, thee end. Some days, are just meant to be "toddler" days. She's lucky I wiped her down.























Thursday, November 10, 2011

Cabin Fun!


















 The kids had a great time at the cabin, up north. There are so many reasons I love Arizona- these pictures above are just a few! Snow! There was snow! Arizona is so much more than a desert! Its is incredibly beautiful!


Saturday, October 15, 2011

Sewing Project Therapy

First pattern sewing project
Today, I completed my first sewing project that required me to follow a pattern. From start to finish, this small size 3 shirt took me 7 hours. I am a largely self taught seamstress, my Grandma lives in Michigan and my sister in law lives, for a time, in Colorado. Because I had no interest earlier in life, I am learning now- with my teachers a phone call away if needed.

I needed to complete this project. My coffee is now cold, the edges of the shirt are not perfectly straight, I had to improv certain areas as I was unsure what the directions meantt, there are some messy ends and uneven straps...yet I am so proud of my shirt. I am proud because something that was so difficult for me, so impossible- I accomplished. I listened to the two songs I have designated as my " healing" songs during this season of my life and I worshipped the Lord, prayed and sewed.

This week has been really hard for me ; probably one of the hardest to date when suffering through a miscarriage. I think this week, it finally hit me that I had lost more babies than I had and that made me feel completely vulnerable, out of control. Yet, through many tears and prayers I know that God loves me and I know that He will never forsake me. Life is hard, yet I cannot imagine working through my trials without God.

I kept ripping seams out and staring over, I had to redo an entire pattern because I copied it wrong. I wanted to quit and just throw it away yet even though it is not perfect...the beautiful smile on my daughter's sweet face and the feeling of satisfaction could never be replicated by a store bought shirt. There was tears, frustration and so much work involved in that small, little, purple flowered shirt that I appreciate it the creativity of it and the hands at work of the creator of that shirt.

My children are not my own, but God's. They were hand picked and given to me for such a short time. They will never be perfect, like my shirt- yet the Creator smiles at His work and is so proud of them. I am His creation....and he smiles at me and loves me. I am not perfect yet He loves me. How? How can He? My "straps" are uneven, I don't even know if my hem will hold up.....I feel flawed, a failure- yet in His eyes, I am perfect and beautiful.

I appreciate my children and the miracle of life so much. Over and over I appreciate it. My heart shatters when a life is taken from me and passed over into the next life. I do not always know what to do with all my feelings- yet I trust God. Right now, I feel like God is ripping out my seams....changing me and mending me. Do you see now why I couldn't quit sewing? My actions towards my fabric is spiritually applied to my life- this season, this pain, this ability to cry out to God..... my heart will heal and it will strengthen...my faith is strengthened because I chose to trust and not falter. My God is strong and He is faithful. Though life seems dark and during the darkest hour- yet will I praise You.

I sewed tonight. I cried tonight. I sewed on. I continue on. One foot in front of the other.

visit to children's museum today





my heart. Even in pain I have so much to be thankful for.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Things I'm Looking Forward To Today....

farm co op and collecting fresh laid chicken eggs
cool mornings
a hot chocolate from Starbucks
hugs and more kisses from beautiful, beautiful children
looking at beautiful roses from an amazing husband
birds chirping
focusing my efforts into learning more about Squanto with the kids and doing some school
smelling my fall candles burning
listening to Autumn in New England
moving forward, on and trusting God
eating scrambled eggs from our farm co op hens
watching The Office with Ben at night with our "special" popcorn and laughing together, gosh I love his smile
reevaluating what I want out of life

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Today

Today we woke up and started getting ready for the play, " 12 Dancing Princesses". We always enjoy these plays because they are put on with an entire cast of children actors. The kids and I all sat down and Hannah lasted for about 15 minutes. So for the rest of the 75 minute show I was in and out, walking the halls with her and checking on the other three, unassisted, in the theater.

The older kids did great and I made a mental note not to take Hannah to these plays EVER again this year. I happen to want to enjoy them as well too. Then, due to my van needing a new alternator ( I have replaced the starter and water pump in the past 1.5 yr).....I thought , " oh goodie". The problem was that my van was starting to slowly not want to start and I can't afford to get stranded anywhere, at anytime.... I am not into the , " let's call a tow truck and figure out how to fit everyone in" type of girl.

Thankfully, I received a great referral from someone who was able to get me in fast, give a cash discount and we were out the door within an hour! I cannot tell you how relieved I am. Ben was going to take care of it but there was a lot more juggling required and this just worked out much easier, even with all the kids in the waiting room with me. The only thing I had to sensor was a swimsuit edition of sports illustrated...but besides that, the tv worked and pbs kids was still on.

We are home now and I am just enjoying a few moments to myself before I start math and language arts  with the boys. Today, really didn't go at all how I had planned it but I felt that God was teaching me a great lesson in rolling with it as well as trusting him to provide. I was able to use my frustrations today w/ cars to show and talk with the kids how God is still faithful even when things fall apart. It was a great life lesson and good test to see if my attitude backed up my mouth. Anyways, nothing too exciting about today....just a regular day with some practical lessons.

Oh, and ps. Hannah blew out of her diaper yesterday, dripped poo everywhere and then smeared it into the carpet- so I am thankful for my uneventful day today :)

Friday, September 30, 2011

Marriage

How do you describe what it feels to be loved by someone who faces your faults daily, who loves you despite being less than stellar. I created a slide show of my husband, yes my husband- filled with pictures of him and the kids and him and me. Where do the years go and how is it that you see your life on a slide show and the grace and hand of God is so evident it does nothing short of bringing you to a river a tears.

I cannot believe we have been together for 13.5 years and survived so much. Stronger. In love. Fighting. We are fighting for a calling higher than us, higher than we can understand. Ben understands me.....I cannot say that about too many people. I can freak out and cry and he is practical, logical and full of wisdom. How did God know I needed someone like him? To think that Ben was hand picked for me, and I for him, by God, is too much for my heart sometimes. My heart is heavy with love and admiration that God, in his infinite wisdom, would use Ben and I to perfect our love for eachother and in turn mirror that love of Christ for us.

Falling, falling, falling flat on our faces...over and over failing, getting up over and over, trying again and again. Marriage IS NOT EASY. Marriage is HARD WORK. Marriage is WORTH IT. I have a best friend, his name is Benjamin. I have someone who can make me laugh until I cry- his name is Benjamin.

Did I ask for life's circumstances to cloud our laughter, no, but we laugh in the rain, and we laugh in the storms, and we laugh in the rainbows....because, if we stop laughing, we stop loving....if we stop holding in the hard times, we will never be able to hold in the good times. If we give up during the gut wrenching moments, we will never be able to give in the "butterflies in the stomach" moments.

Praise be to God for His grace and mercies are new every morning....great is thy faithfulness! God is faithful. He is woven in our marriage, He is our umbrella of protection, under His wings we find refuge. I can't help but brag on my husband, not because he is perfect but because he is faithful. I can't help but feel overwhelmed by my role as his wife, not because I am perfect, but am weak and made perfect in my weakness. Praise be to God.

Wives, do not give up, fight the good fight. We are our husband's advocates, encouragers and supporters when there are none. Never cut down my husband, because I have his back and will fight you back. Thank you God for Benjamin, for the ability to learn and grow together- bless us with many, many years in love- this will happen through your strength- never our own. Our strength is feeble....we need you. May our marriage be a testimony of your grace and love for us. Mold us. Here is our lump of clay.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Lord Help Me To Remember.....

to not rush, to enjoy, to breathe, to smile, to laugh, to instruct, to train, to pray, to love, to nurture, to hug, to kiss, to give grace, to be patient, to be gentle, to be soft spoken, to be consistent, to repeat.

Monday, September 12, 2011

In a Nut Shell

crazy dream. woken up whispers. early wake up call from baby. toddler pooing her pants that are sequestered in her dance tights and leotard ( so much for planning ahead). spills. too many questions. laughing. a special, homemade colored box by a special five year old. Cries from a 3 year old because she " can't kiss me when I am laying down". sweet cheek kisses. soft hugs. cool wind. sweet jolly ranchers. new candle burning. soppy wet diaper hanging off. Tumbling and toddling toddler. spilled fish food. broken light bulb. messy kitchen. early morning start tomorrow. early to bed tonight. babbling. laughing. family.