Saturday, October 15, 2011

Sewing Project Therapy

First pattern sewing project
Today, I completed my first sewing project that required me to follow a pattern. From start to finish, this small size 3 shirt took me 7 hours. I am a largely self taught seamstress, my Grandma lives in Michigan and my sister in law lives, for a time, in Colorado. Because I had no interest earlier in life, I am learning now- with my teachers a phone call away if needed.

I needed to complete this project. My coffee is now cold, the edges of the shirt are not perfectly straight, I had to improv certain areas as I was unsure what the directions meantt, there are some messy ends and uneven straps...yet I am so proud of my shirt. I am proud because something that was so difficult for me, so impossible- I accomplished. I listened to the two songs I have designated as my " healing" songs during this season of my life and I worshipped the Lord, prayed and sewed.

This week has been really hard for me ; probably one of the hardest to date when suffering through a miscarriage. I think this week, it finally hit me that I had lost more babies than I had and that made me feel completely vulnerable, out of control. Yet, through many tears and prayers I know that God loves me and I know that He will never forsake me. Life is hard, yet I cannot imagine working through my trials without God.

I kept ripping seams out and staring over, I had to redo an entire pattern because I copied it wrong. I wanted to quit and just throw it away yet even though it is not perfect...the beautiful smile on my daughter's sweet face and the feeling of satisfaction could never be replicated by a store bought shirt. There was tears, frustration and so much work involved in that small, little, purple flowered shirt that I appreciate it the creativity of it and the hands at work of the creator of that shirt.

My children are not my own, but God's. They were hand picked and given to me for such a short time. They will never be perfect, like my shirt- yet the Creator smiles at His work and is so proud of them. I am His creation....and he smiles at me and loves me. I am not perfect yet He loves me. How? How can He? My "straps" are uneven, I don't even know if my hem will hold up.....I feel flawed, a failure- yet in His eyes, I am perfect and beautiful.

I appreciate my children and the miracle of life so much. Over and over I appreciate it. My heart shatters when a life is taken from me and passed over into the next life. I do not always know what to do with all my feelings- yet I trust God. Right now, I feel like God is ripping out my seams....changing me and mending me. Do you see now why I couldn't quit sewing? My actions towards my fabric is spiritually applied to my life- this season, this pain, this ability to cry out to God..... my heart will heal and it will faith is strengthened because I chose to trust and not falter. My God is strong and He is faithful. Though life seems dark and during the darkest hour- yet will I praise You.

I sewed tonight. I cried tonight. I sewed on. I continue on. One foot in front of the other.

visit to children's museum today

my heart. Even in pain I have so much to be thankful for.


Haley Kadzban said...

Not that this matters much to you right now, but I have to tell you how beautiful you look in that picture with the kids.

Also, my heart breaks with you, for you. I'm so sorry you have to endure this pain again and how it feels even more ripe this time around. Your faith is inspiring Amanda... not only to me, but I can promise to many others as well. <3

Heather said...

Oh Amanda, I'm so behind on everything... I'm sitting here crying. It is so hard to lose our babies and reading this brings back memories of my most recent m/c that happened a year ago this month.