Sunday, May 19, 2013



How do I sum up the most painful year of my life? Yes, God did miraculous things, however the pain is ever present.

.    A  year ago today was my last "normal" day for of incredibly long time. There is no way I could have ever prepared for what were laid I had as half of my brain  died off due to an enormous blood clot.

      The struggles over the last year making beds, hanging clothes, change your diapers were only magnified by my completely incompetent left-hand. I have had hundreds of hours of therapy to regain about 80% of my left arm back.

      The feelings of being robbed over this past year are very strong. For the past 12 months I have struggled to regain all that was stolen from me. How do I explain, what it is like to not be able to walk, run after your kids hug them with two arms read stories to them. It is the most painful experience, I  could have ever had. My heart, was ripped out of my chest.
 The hardest part is, I still have so far to go.  that fact in and of itself is incredibly difficult, painful part of this healing process.

    If I had captured all the tears that that Ben and I have cried this past year, I believe it could have filled an ocean. I had no idea how much grieving would be involved throughout the healing process over this past year.

    A year, 365 days, of fighting and I'm tired. Have you ever read the story of someone's problems and thought to yourself "glad that's not me."? Well, it is me. I wish life was different. Yet this moment, with so much pain and uncertainty. I should start listing of what God has done.

1. Ezekiel
2. given me the ability to walk again with no cane or wheelchair
3. showers on my own
4. limited left arm movement
5. safe delivery
6.  new van
7. admission and funding into ctn
8. favor with des
9. great therapists
10. ability  to swallow food again
11.Krista living with us and homeschooling the kids for the year
12. running of 5K race with Jayden
13.  prayers of so many countless, friends, family, and strangers
14 and so many more

    So, as the day of my stroke anniversary approaches. I have so many mixed feelings and getting up,getting dressed, kissing my kids goodbye, and going to full day of therapy. I will never understand "why" on this side of heaven. I only pray that God will continue to restore every cognitive function, physical, facial expression, and family order back to me.
    My heart hurts because I feltI would at least be much further along. I understand I had a massive stroke, my heart still aches. Continually pray for me and my family. I'm thankful for who God has been to us during the storm I can say he has never left our side. And He is faithful.


Saturday, May 18, 2013

Happy birthday Jayden

Jayden is:imaginative, creative, sensitive,Kindhearted,loving. Responsible,and  thoughtful. These are a few of the adjectives I feel accurately describe my fun-loving almost a nine-year-old son.

   He stated tonight that eight a was one of his best years. The ironic thing about this is that my stroke took place the day after he turned eight. I am very thankful for my very sweet, optimistic son. You bless me more than I can even explain. Watching you grow is a blessing to me.You are such help .You love  God and it love for God inspires me every day. Watching you read your Bible diligently every morning encourages me.

     I can't imagine my life without you.  you will  be used for mightily  for God. I love watching your imitations of the various characters,listening to your jokes. I love I love your bright red, weathered  adventure hat. That adventure hat has gone with you on countless adventures, into the pool swimming, running on a grassy field, climbing trees, playing tag, and watching fireworks.

     Sometimes, I wish I could freeze you into stage that you are every now. Thank you for coming downstairs every night to say "I love you" and give me a kiss and sweet hug. My life, would be so boring  and empty without you.  I love hearing how you want to be the owner of the zoo, pet store, astronaut, and scientist. Your favorite subject is science. You love riding your bike with your red adventure hat  and cowboy handkerchief tied loosely around your neck swiftly around the square. You are always so thoughtful towards Austen, Riah, Hannah, and Ezekiel.
     I remember being  able to pick you up and Rock you back and forth and say  Oh my little baby oh by little baby…  wait your not a little baby ,your a big boy. Its hard to believe you will be taller than me in the next few years,you are funny.  In your free time, you enjoy creating legos. making forts, and playing lion detective, drawing comics,scheming new business strategies, playing with Austen.Where would our lives be without your sensitive touch???I ,love you, and i a, so thankful for the privilege to me your mama. You and your siblings and Dad are my biggest motivators to heal, I don'r know if you will always have a very sketchily wrapped present, but I will give it my best.I cannot believe that it is your birthday already again...I am thankful I can celebrate  another beautiful year with you. Jayden  I love you.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

scorpion stings and screams

   tThe other night,I successfully, got Ezekiel to sleep...brought him upstairs and came downstairs to turn on the monitor, like the responsible mom that I am. I walked into the dark kitchen, turned the ,monitor on , turned around and walked towArds t he living room to sit and enjoy some of the new library books I checked out, thinking about brewing a cup of coffee with hazelnut creamer and excited about the prospect of a quiet evening.

     I took three steps when all of aSudden I felt like I just shredded my toe on glass, thinking to myself funny I don't remember any glass breaking...I hop to the light switch and look down at this nasty arachnid moving its claws in a swimming motion that is when the panic set in, Benjamin was upstairs shuffling cards for a a game called get hooked, the boys play it together every week.

   When I calmly started declaring,"Ben,oh Ben..please come and assist me,save me.I've been stung by my fear."Actually, it was more if an unglued ,hysterical scream and sob "Ben!!ben!!"I screamed until he ran down the stair, my toes were freakishly  twitching and my face was contorted in pain..I thought, oh sure I survive a stroke but  it's a scorpion that will bring me home to those pearly  gates.

   After about five minutes of moaning on the floor in agony, Ben walked over into the kitchen and saw he evil thing, dead from the crushing weight of my massive body .

      The following day, I awoke with a numbness up to my ankle and a little pain in my little toe.Yet, later that night my dad and inducted ourselves into the Arizona rite of passage and went  scorpion hunting in the backyard, he was armed with killer, me the black light we found three more and would whisper excitedly to each other, "there it is,spray,spray, watch it..yes, it's dead!"

  then , I call poison control from my phone which is till a Michigan. Umber and a lady answers and I say, " ah,yes I have just been stung by a scorpion, what should I do?"

And she asks incredulously,"you ave been stung by a what? Where are you?" In my On my way! I reply annoyed...and she goes, you are not in Michigan are you?"

Apparently, each area code directs you I a certain poison controlI was wondering why she was acting so wierd.