Sunday, May 19, 2013



How do I sum up the most painful year of my life? Yes, God did miraculous things, however the pain is ever present.

.    A  year ago today was my last "normal" day for of incredibly long time. There is no way I could have ever prepared for what were laid I had as half of my brain  died off due to an enormous blood clot.

      The struggles over the last year making beds, hanging clothes, change your diapers were only magnified by my completely incompetent left-hand. I have had hundreds of hours of therapy to regain about 80% of my left arm back.

      The feelings of being robbed over this past year are very strong. For the past 12 months I have struggled to regain all that was stolen from me. How do I explain, what it is like to not be able to walk, run after your kids hug them with two arms read stories to them. It is the most painful experience, I  could have ever had. My heart, was ripped out of my chest.
 The hardest part is, I still have so far to go.  that fact in and of itself is incredibly difficult, painful part of this healing process.

    If I had captured all the tears that that Ben and I have cried this past year, I believe it could have filled an ocean. I had no idea how much grieving would be involved throughout the healing process over this past year.

    A year, 365 days, of fighting and I'm tired. Have you ever read the story of someone's problems and thought to yourself "glad that's not me."? Well, it is me. I wish life was different. Yet this moment, with so much pain and uncertainty. I should start listing of what God has done.

1. Ezekiel
2. given me the ability to walk again with no cane or wheelchair
3. showers on my own
4. limited left arm movement
5. safe delivery
6.  new van
7. admission and funding into ctn
8. favor with des
9. great therapists
10. ability  to swallow food again
11.Krista living with us and homeschooling the kids for the year
12. running of 5K race with Jayden
13.  prayers of so many countless, friends, family, and strangers
14 and so many more

    So, as the day of my stroke anniversary approaches. I have so many mixed feelings and getting up,getting dressed, kissing my kids goodbye, and going to full day of therapy. I will never understand "why" on this side of heaven. I only pray that God will continue to restore every cognitive function, physical, facial expression, and family order back to me.
    My heart hurts because I feltI would at least be much further along. I understand I had a massive stroke, my heart still aches. Continually pray for me and my family. I'm thankful for who God has been to us during the storm I can say he has never left our side. And He is faithful.


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