The stroke has nothing to do with me, but to bring glory to God

I cannot type worth a "hoot" anymore.  So much has happened these past 3 weeks.  On May 20, Ben and I were simply laughing about the lunar eclipse, standing outside with our paper plates and laughing about what I was supposed to be looking at with a pin hole in the paper plate.

Little did we know within 2 hours our lives would change within 10 seconds.  Ben and I were hanging out and out of the blue my speech immediately became slurred and an intense pain soared from the nape of my neck upward and Ben was on the phone with 911 immediately: "Hi, yes I think my wife is having a stroke."  I remember thinking, "this is silly, who has a stroke at 29?" The next thing I remember is Ben saying, "the ambulance is here."  I have no memory of being put in a bag.  Just them asking me over and over for my birthday and my due date.  And them saying, "squeeze my hand."  I had no idea I was paralyzed.

I felt an overwhelming sense of peace that I knew was the Holy Spirit.  I do not remember much of the ambulance ride, just being immediately put into a CT machine and feeling God's presence.

The hardest part was not being able to reassure Ben.  That part killed me.  At one point thinking in my head, "I'm ready to go home now," and Ben leaning over me very upset, "Amanda! You can't walk!"  "What do you mean I can't walk?!" This is news to me.  I had no idea I was paralyzed.  I am so thankful for the prayers.  You all rock!

Every day I would wake up - "Okay, God, what are you giving me back today?"

I didn't know I lost my ability to swallow.  That my whole left side was paralyzed.  One day I had 3 MRIs, and just praying the whole time for God to protect our baby.

Each step of the way, He was the most faithful friend.  The rally of love and support from all our friends and family...you ministered to us so much.  Thank you thank you!

In Proverbs it says, "The steps of a man are established by the Lord and when he falls he will not be hurled headlong for the Lord is the one who holds his hand."

This verse means so much to me now, just trying to learn how to walk again.  Huge challenge!  Ben has to stay on my weak side (left side) because if I'm going to fall that is the side I will fall on.  That is what God does for us, he stays on our weak side.  His desire for us is success.  I am so thankful for his faithfulness in this most challenging trial of my life.

My voice is still weak, but my arm is slowly coming back.  God is so good!  I look forward to being able to push my kids in the swing again soon!

This whole process has reminded me of a fighter.  When I started rehab I had zero trunk support.  I would flop over on the mat.  It took 4 people to get me into a wheelchair.

Ephesians 6:13-18  "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

When I was so floppy, these are the verses that came to my mind.  When I was struggling to maintain balance, I refused to believe the lie "you may never walk again."  This has ultimately been the biggest test of my life, but God, I trust you!

Never will I leave you nor forsake you.  He is faithful.  I believe that to my core of who I am.

Each and every day God gives me back something that was taken from me in 10 seconds.  And everyday He gives me something new back, even if it is just a movement in my fingers.

Mentally exhausting, every day is mentally exhausting.  My stamina will come in the months ahead.

Please keep Ben in your prayers, he is juggling a lot right now.

To God be all the glory!  Amen!

Princess Play

My daughter dressed me up as a princess today. She gave me a crown, a beautiful necklace that she carefully clipped together. I had two seperate bows clipped to my hair and a beautiful purse strung over my shoulder. She told me I was a princess and that I was "great". She doesn't care about the pile of papers that need to be shredded, the dirty dishes on the counter, the demanding grocery list or the new messes that pop up every two seconds. No, we secluded ourselves in her bedroom, as we whisphered because her babies were sleeping, and she treated me as royalty and we played. Blissfull, carefree play.

I asked the Holy Spirit why I needed to leave all the other things and play. He said, you feel that mountain growing in the pit of your stomach, the overwhelming task of everything from today, yesterday and tomorrow....you need to sit, play and allow me to calm you and reassure you with the tender words of a three year old girl.

So we sat, smiled, laughed and the weight of the world started lifting off of me and the words, " my yoke is easy and my burden is light" came to me. Hold steadfast my child, for the day will come when you will reap if you do not lose heart. My desire for you is for great things, not for harm. You are my precious precious child and I am in love with you. Allow me to cloak you with my royalty and to enter into my promise, my dear dear child. Ye, the weight of the world is to much for you to bear, take heart I have overcome the world...you are mind and bought with a precious price , do not become distracted from the heart issues while the world issues try to take over. Ye, my child I love thee more today than you will every love your child in a lifetime. Allow me to love you and encourage you...my Holy spirit is here to comfort and strengthen...allow him to do so. my precious preciou child. I love you...you are mine.!

You All Knew This Blog Was Coming :)

Wow, can I actually write this blog? After all of this time and tears and worrying and trusting and then worrying again. I feel like this blog is so surreal, like I shouldn't be writing it, not yet, not until we are physically moved into our new location. Yet, I will because I need to give God the glory.

As you all now the emotional roller coaster we have rolled ourselves up and down on for the past couple of years just figuring out what to do with our home. It's over, Praise God it's over! We transitioned our thought process from buying to renting after much time and hours spent with our realtor. After hundreds of houses screened, and probably close to 50 houses viewed and 2 unsuccessful offers made we realized maybe this is not the direction God is desiring for us at this moment. Sooo, letting go of my need and desire to feel "instant" stability in a much larger home relinquished and Ben and I just prayed, " God, if you want us to rent, that's fine. Please take us out of the renting rat race, the competition, I don't think we can handle much more. Please God, just give us atleast 1400 sq ft so I can hopefully have  school area and a decent location. In Your name Amen".

At one of our lowest points we were searching a rental site and found this house, funny it resembled the house that I wanted more than anything in the beginning, the house that would have had AWESOME neighbors ( you know who you are). It had come on the market just that previous day. I called the property management company ( armed in my possession a " check list" of what to ask for to ensure our 'representation'). They said, I can't meet for the next couple days, I said, " I can only meet today" They made it work.

Ben had taken the boys to see Cars 2 and spent the afternoon with them enjoying some much needed Daddy time after us being gone so long.  I had the girls, we prayed. I drove through the previous neighborhood that I for sure thought our rental was going to work out and didn't notice any apparent rental signs, jumped on the highway and drove to this new neighborhood.

We drove in and Riah goes, " This is my neighborhood, I like this neighborhood". I'm thinking, well that's a positive sign. It was a very cute neighborhood, very midwest feel but newer. I met the girl at the door, the house has a front porch and a peak! Two things I so desperately wanted in my permanent home. We walked in oh wow, two living spaces! Score, one can be a school room! Three large bedrooms- ok, how do we sign the application and get this moving? I literally looked at the house for 1.5 minutes. The girl told me the investor just closed on the house the previous day, I was the first to look through it and here was my application.

I sat in the car, filling out as much as I could, faxed it over and waited until Monday. I called on Monday and the property manager said that she recommended our application and was waiting on owner approval. So we waited but felt encouraged. Yesterday, we received a phone call. Apparently I wrote down the "wrong" amount on the application but the owner approved MY monthly rate over hers!!! I know that was God. I did not even mean to write the wrong amount down and yet rushing through the application it was like totally Holy Spirit driven. THEN! because it had been a foreclosure and just closed on I stated that it needed to be cleaned, carpeted, painted and all new window coverings ( kind of a tall request I felt). The owner approved every last request! Things that we would have had to put money into a home that we were buying are now being done for us without our added expense!!! Praise God!!!! Also, at the rate we are paying most of the homes we were looking at were between 1200-1600 sq feet.....ours is 2100!!!!!!! Never, EVER before in our lives have we had this much room, EVER! Our first apartment was 795 sq ft, our second 900, our 3rd 1000 sq ft and now our home is 1100- to us it feels like a mansion!!!

To say we feel blessed with this temporary home is an understatement- I am crying with tears of relief that this journey is over. I am ok with it being a rental, that give us time to just get out of "mls" world and set up my school room and live life for a little bit. This burden is lifted and I am so thankful, thankful to have this opportunity in a safe location. I can't explain why God allowed every experience to happen to us- I think in the end of my life it will make sense,  because I could have handled without much of it. However, the answered prayers of God literally seeing we were at the end of our rope emotionally and Him moving through this was such ease with many simple "yes"s is just humbling.

I emailed our wonderful realtor  on Monday which probably sounded more like an insanity letter stating that I couldn't do "it" anymore, looking at homes. My brain could not handle short sales, loan modifications, refinance, traditional sale, foreclosures, auctions, etc. any more. We needed a break from looking and prayed God would provide a rental. She emailed me back, in short, with such a sweet email and that she would be ready for us when we were. We are so thankful. Thankful for God for providing this temporary relief, thankful for people that He put in our lives to help us and guide us through this process. Thankful for family and friends that spent countless hours praying- this is part of our testimony. Life, will not EVER  ( let me just say EVER from now on) look how we planned it to look or even think, but I am slowly learning that as long as I cling to God's strong hand, I will make it. Praise you God, thank you God with tears welling up in my eyes and gratitude overflowing from my heart, thank you for providing a place for my family. Thank you!!!!

My Heart to Heart

So this past week I freaked out literally, had an all out sobbing fest. We have been thinking of how to sell our house for the past 2 years, trying to buy a house for the past 2 months and then decided that since buying was just not working out that we should just rent for awhile. However, apparently rentals are in very high demand at this moment as well so the minute you find one that would be nice for your family, they are already under " contract" with another family. A phone call enlightening me of this very scenario sent me into an all out tail spin. I would like to say that I stay composed, literate and logical but that would be nothing short of a FAT lie. I could not pull myself together. It was a matter of everything, piled on top of each other over and over and this was one more thing that was apparently that one thing that pushed me over the edge.

After I got through my extended moment of contemplating whether or not ripping my clothes, throwing ashes over me and running through the streets of my small town was a practical solution I sobbed to Ben and we prayed.

Why do I do this over and over? At times, I feel that being a first born has already landed me "controlling" tendencies. I want to plan, be prepared and execute something to the fullest of its extent so I can take care of things. Ben is like that too, so the two of us together should make us very efficient people. Yet, time and time again as I look back at the major areas of our lives, finances, jobs, children and housing....not one time has it EVER gone to plan, our plan. Each time I give over that area to God, but not other areas until he goes through that area and then I give it back. Yet, I feel I give it temporarily because I feel that ultimately, I"m here on Earth so obviously I can move a bit faster and make things happen a little better than He can. I know this all sounds foolish but the more and more I write the more and more I realize this is exactly my illogical train of thought.

There have been times that God has allowed doors to stay open that we have walked through that probably wasn't the right timing, ie: testing for jobs in Nashville or going to Phoenix prematurely. However, we learned. Ben ended up with a leg injury that took months to heal, he trained harder, became stronger and passed all of his tests the first time....then on to phase 2 of his testing they had to stop a particular test due to a physilogical response....so instead of trusting God and waiting on Him we pursued another area altogether. WE ended up at the very end of that hiring process only to find out they were looking to meet their EO/AA quotas or something like that. Again, at the end of our rope, I'm back at working and having two kids feeling totally backed against a wall and Phoenix calls and offers him both phases in testing right before Thanksgiving, he passes and we move within 10 days.

Children, planned on waiting for at least 5 years before having our first.....I went to college yet was on a death tract. My goal was to finish has fast and furious as I possibly could not stopping to really ever think what I truly wanted to go into.  I always talked about having a family and getting married but ultimately I wanted to be a wife and mom more than anything. So instead of pursuing cosmetology ( which to this day I am still glad I did not) I went to college. I loved college, excelled there and completed my BA within three years but could not figure out what to do with my education. I was already researching masters programs for who knows what when we found out that in September of my senior year, we were expecting....yep, three months after getting married. Talk about a blessing from God- but at the time  a little crazy. We now have our family because of our initial, God sent blessing - Jayden. If you have read my blog long enough you know the miraculous story of Hannah's pregnancy and Austen is Jayden's " Jonathan" while Moriah is a beautiful blessing after my first miscarriage.


I could go on and on with the house issue. We have prayed and trusted God with our finances yet when it came to moving to an area with the average house price 250k back 4.5 years ago there is no way that we could have actually afforded that in reality. Again, I cried and cried. I know, something is majorly wrong with me. God again provided.

Flash forward to now. I am more than determined after my last break down not to let that happen again. We have no idea where we are moving . Our house will be sold in 3 weeks. But I throw my hands up God and release this control to you. Life isn't always good, but You are. Help me to trust you in this area, yet again.

I looked  up peace in the bible, according to strong's concordance:

1) a state of national tranquillity

a) exemption from the rage and havoc of war

2) peace between individuals, i.e. harmony, concord

3) security, safety, prosperity, felicity, (because peace and harmony make and keep things safe and prosperous)

4) of the Messiah's peace

a) the way that leads to peace (salvation)

5) of Christianity, the tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and content with its earthly lot, of whatsoever sort that is

6) the blessed state of devout and upright men after death

- here are some verses to meditate on:

Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

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Colossians 3:15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

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2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful.


I have no idea what this week will bring. I am packing in faith of being somewhere safe, a little more spacious than we have now and affordable. But I am determined to press on, to shed this negative air that I have carried for much too long and to walk in confidence. Forgive me God for not trusting You. Thank you for making me a planner and a hard worker but forgive me when I take it too far- your peace is what I ask you for right now, a peace like this " 5) of Christianity, the tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and content with its earthly lot, of whatsoever sort that is". With arms high and heart abandoned- I TRUST YOU!

Frusterating Days

This picture was taken on a particularly frusterating day for me. I took it because it causes me to slow down and rest my mind in the peacefulness of others. Sisters at play. What does God call me to do, " Be still and know that I am God"- For He who called you is faithful.