TwoYear Old Moments

     My Hannah Lou..She has the most beautiful smile. the other day, Ben picked her up and goes,"Wow, Hannah you are getting heavy ." and she responds ," Yes, I is."She is so ,loving to Ezekiel if he is ever crying she is the one of the first to locate a rattle and begin shaking it, stuffing"binkies" into his mouth.I love tucking her in before her nap as she smiles so sweetly up at me while I pray for her ,, with her little round face and I smooth her blonde hair down, so soft and floofy to the touch. She brightens my days, most days.The other morning I awoke and heard a noise and walked downstairs quietly and there in the darkness sat is Lou munching on popcorn, quietly.. all I see is this little hand emerge from behind the chair an quietly feel around in the glass bowl, made me smile. I just love her and the non stop energy she has , every where she goes she races..maybe i should try that."Ready, set, sprint!!!"- in the grocery store, mall, library.Now you see, now you don't.She loves to sit and look at books, adorn herself with multiple sticker layers,"Mama it ok, if i use these stickers??"The way she says mac-n- cheese"appie-annoie-and- cheese"


   Sitting on the potty to go stinkies where she asks to hold your hand, like she is a birthing mother and needs a support.. I am a potty doula, she grunts, grimaces her face and then smiles.. "I all done".. love her..S

Family Aloud Reading

 

Jay reading Ramona's world outside in the coolness of the morning

 There are so man important reasons to share in a good book together as a family. It allows you to go on a shared adventure and make new friends to cry, laugh together towards the characters. I have always valued a good book with my children. I  fully enjoy reading to them and have spent countless hour over the past almost nine years reading . Even now, if I pick up a particular board book . I immediately reminisce over the feelings of closeness ... I shared with that particular child, their image on my lap, smelling and kissing their sweet blonde head.

     Reading increases ones awareness, around  him. It ignites their imaginations as pictures are created inside their minds. Also, it causes values and morals to be solidified as the child is presented with many different scenarios on right vs. wrong.


         
      This past year, the kids have had the privilege to travel on a covered wagon, on a boat with a mouse, be in Times Square, run through Indian lands, be apart of a family with a pesky little sister, hmm wonder if they can relate , live in a heavily dense wood , live in a house built out of a side of a hill, fly off with a nanny on wild adventures, sit and feel a loss when a child's mama passes away and a new one comes. I treasure these shared moments because we all go through them together, as we sit on a couch or floor and listen and imagine .


The books we have read since last summer:


1. Beezus and Ramona
2. Little house in the big woods
3.little house on the prairie
4. Mary poppins. Book one
5. A cricket in Times Square
6.stuart little
7. Cheaper by the dozen
8. Farmer boy
9.sarah plain and tall
10. On the banks of plum creek

I have ordered sign of the beaver, my side of the mountain , Julie of the wolves....for an added adventure flare to our reading. The above listed books were recommended  by Ben for the boys.


   So , turn off the tv and gather around together and share a good book.Laugh and enjoy these moments because as children age.. they always will  need connecting, family moments. THey will look back on these times with fondness even as adults. because,I still do. The Rumples and the Barleys, Thy friend Obadiah and so many more that my mom woulds read to us as children.

Depression

I don't know if I should even write this post.....my blog is more of a virtual journey for me. I have been super down lately. The last month was incredibly difficult. I wanted nothing to do with anyone,anything at all. I wanted. To delete my Facebook and drop off from the face of the earth.if you ask me how I'm doing, my answer will depend on the setting, who's around, who you are and how sincere I gauge Your question.


        Over the past ten months. There have been moments of joy,excitement, so much pain and loss, and anger than I know what to do with sometimes. Yet, late in February . I received two cognitive evaluations,in a row.


         After, reading these two and seeing how far, I feel I have come and looking forward and seeing how far. I have still to go. Discouraged me more than I can express. I'm sick if this season.. I want every ounce of my life back. I want to home school, make all the meals, get rid of my cleaning lady, drive again.


         So upon. Seeing my downward spiral. My family, suggested I may be depressed, which I vehemently denied. I am not a depressed person! Depression meds just make  you fat,dependent . Apparently, I have a lot of judgemental  attitudes towards anti depressants.



         It takes a Bit to get the meds working,I on day two...still no weight gain...but I'm watching. I'm not proud to Be on them... But I'm putting  it out there so people know how to pray. I know this will be short term.


   I know, lots of people are on them...but I'm not one of them..generally, I'm very happy..just not lately...because depression can adversely effect my cognitive recovery and well being  of my family...after much fighting, denying, hurting others.....I've decided....it's not worth it anymore.


     Funny, I thought I was doing a good job of keeping it all to myself. Every morning, i would wake up with the best intention for a great day....yet, something would always happen that would send me into an emotional spiral.


Yes, I'm taking anti depressants.. No it's not natural...but I'm surviving this season...right now.



I pray,next year when I look back a year from now ill be blogging about home schooling again, gosh, I miss that !

Good right brained games

miw

Hot steamy, shower conversations

     Early this morning, Ezekiel and I were standing in the kids bathroom with the steamy shower running because he was coughing so much, and my heart literally broke for him, his discomfort, I bounced him,, prayed over him and kissed his little head.
          I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me and say, Ezekiel cannot heal himself but feels comfort knowing he is in your arms. Amanda , you cannot heal yourself so stop trying.. My heart breaks for you, when I see you struggling and hurting..trust  I me, believe me that you are safe in my arms,rest in that....as I sat in the bathroom at 5am..I cried because I am so tired of trying to recover and so weary and feel that every corner we turn there is yet another a mile of this marathon run.. and i feel too tired because i don't know when it will end and it hurts .I never trained for this!

     I am  nine months post stroke , yet recovering from this brain injury is so incredibly hard with five children eight and under... I don't feel like I have a role anymore. I feel a huge loss of identity.Have you ever cried so hard you cant see straight and your nose is running and mixing with your salty tears.. I have had, more days than i can count.

        I opened the door of the steamy bathroom at five in the morning and walked quietly down the dark hallway where my other four children peacefully slept, and nestled Ezekiel into my bed... Then I quietly walked to the opposite side of the bed, covered my face and slept . I feel so much like Ezekiel sometimes, helpless dependant, crying because no I feel no one understands , but God tries to remind me when I will listen , that I cannot heal myself ...and that's impossible   for me... Because I grew up with the mentality, if you tried hard enough at something , you would succeed .brain injuries do not work that way.

       

Yes, I take Coumadin

         Two days ago, I visited the hematologist. The visit,was very frustrating. I have lived, a very healthy life. However, some things are beyond my control. The hematologist, stated that she felt due to buy reoccurring miscarriages and the life threatening stroke that I had. Were all signs, that I have an underlying, blood issue. That, at this time, they cannot specifically diagnose me. With all that said, I will be on Coumadin blood thinners indefinitely. This, may not seem like a big issue to sent to some however to me, it's huge. I detest the pharmaceutical companies. The abuse of pharmaceutical drugs to treat but health conditions. By, there is nothing in me that was ever like to recover from another stroke again. So, to all my natural minded friends, Some things we cannot treat naturally. I am thankful to God. That my stroke did not leave me Completely paralyzed. However, I have yet another great example of something I said I would "never do". I should really, stop saying, "I will never." Again, so taking a blood thinner goes against every natural ideal in my head. Yes, I take Coumadin. Yes, I exercise, eat right, sleep enough, don't smoke, don't drink, and not promiscuous. Yet, I realize that doing all that, I cannot fight genetics. So, I will live the best life that God will allow me to. I have felt a lot of embarrassment, shame, at really having no choice on this prescription issue. I have, a lot of well-meaning friends, who feel that their are so many better alternatives than prescription use. For many issues, I agree. Yet, for this one I choose to live as best I can. For the amount of years, God has planned for me.




         Life, doesn't always go as we would like. Sometimes, things happen that just anger you so much. That is beyond our control. So, I work through this next stage of my recovery. With, a thankful heart that there is something I can take that will ensure another stroke is preventable. How many, people are on antidepressants, sleeping medication, and walk around and shame. We should be careful not to pass judgment on others. Until, we have walked in their shoes. I advocate for how a healthy lifestyle. for, the past nine months. Benjamin has given me of nightly shot and my stomach of blood thinner's. I guess, on the positive side, Coumadin is a once daily pill. The hematologist, also stated I continue to eat vegetables with vitamin K and moderation. That was a big deal to me. Because I just love spinach, cabbage,and broccoli . I do feel a strong connection to Popeye, the "sailor man"too-toot.

Rockin baby Zeke

              Something peaceful takes place when I begin rocking my sweet almost two month old..I begin to forget how my arm, does not work well. I fall into the peaceful cadence of the rocking chair.The same chair where I have had the privilege to rock five of my babies.


The chaos of our therapy schedule begins to diminish and I feel at peace. I was researching being pregnant and the clot buster, which was something they could not give me due to my 13week pregnancy .Only 20 in 100,000 pregnancies suffer strokes. So the research on giving a pregnant momma in her first trimester a clot buster to hopefully reverse the side effects to of the stroke ie. paralysis.is very minimal. The research. I found out of seven women who received the clot buster.....one ended up dying, two had ,miscarriages, two had therapeutic abortions and one went to to have a regular pregnancy .....so mine and Zeke's odds...we're not too good. I would rather rock little Zeke in my arms...than have two working hands and no baby..I would rather marvel at the miracle..God in his sovereignty has blessed us with..then go a life time with no Zeke.. So we continue to rock and rock and I pray and pray and ask God for new grace in each day...


      My learning curve with Zeke is huge ...but somehow. We'll make it. Yet, during those moments of rocking .. the world begins to feel less intimidating. I feel the love of the Father.....so we rock back and forth a smooth,quiet cadence that only him and I feel....and God heals and heals in only a way that he can,and I learn to trust and trusting his sovereign plan ...because he is trustworthy. Oh ,my little Zeke...I love you so much!I love your sweet,soft head and your horse like grunts. You are so precious to me..I am so thankful. You are here. Thank you, God for rocking moments and sweet rhythmic cadences in a very uncontrollable world.