Family time

    I cringe at blogging now, due to the fact that I type everything with one hand( kinda takes the fun out of it).Yet, its been a year since my last post and this past week has been so amazing. WE ventured up north as a single unit family, I organized, packed, planned all the meals 90% of the trip.Ben did 100% of the driving, which included owe 1000 miles-so great job baby!

      We accomplished milestones as a family that were told to us-would never happen. Charging up the steep 300ft accent at Lennox Crater, praising God in my heart-was the most amazing feeling. Improvising applesauce and popcorn for breakfast because I planned the meals so well-and we were running out of food, was another great feeling.

       Listening to Jay talk about "those teens", Zeke slipping off the side of a ledge- doing somersaults, lovely makeshift gas station coffee when my beloved Starbucks was 50+ miles away. Ben and his energy drinks, the ideology that Ben and his siblings were "angels" on road trips.

     

        Laughing as a family, moving beyond survival and living as an independent family unit. I woke up on night at midnight with the bed  shaking because Ben was laughing so hard at the replaying of Zeke falling and Jay stating how I could  get into the national parks free due to my "permanent disability"-thank you Jay but save my dignity 'I'll pay the $5!

   My freak outs at the Grand Canyon as I envisioned my precious little friends careening off the sides of the canyon. The overstimulation of the hordes of Asians and Hannah wanting me to play" I spy with my own little eye"-I'm like chica I can barley keep track of you and Zeke darting like wild antelope around me. I am not playing eye spy or simon says or anything else that will distract me from getting us out of here in tact. Ben grumbling about all the selfie sticks( I'm ready to grab those and chuck them into the canyon ) and being upset that our 11 year olds pics of us were less than adequate- Haha- family if your reading this get him a selfie stick for Christmas :)

        

   Three years ago, i was still in the hospital- still a fall risk , unable to concentrate on anyone or anything for an extended period of time, two years ago in full time therapy daily trips into Phoenix -one of my lowest point. Last year, still in therapy :(Yet I did it all to fight back to my role as a wife and mama to the most amazing six people in my life! I never felt do much despair and depression in my life than I have over the past three years. Yet this past week was God's reminder if he calls you to it, He will call you through it. I am reminded of a song by Jesus Culture"rooftops"The truth is, I should be wheel chair bound, no unsupervised time with my kids, unable to plan a vacation, divorced. That was the future we were looking at.. but God!I fought, Ben fought, Krista fought and millions of others through prayer fought for us on our behalf.. so please, allow me to rejoice in God's goodness. is life perfect, ahem no, is God faithful yes.

       Our first day I had a list of all theses amazing "kid friendly "(friendly if your kids are mountain lions, mini hercules, not if you have  average run of the mill kids) hikes on was in a cave with an average year round temperature of 34 degrees, no problem our tribe of 7, with 90% of us under the age of 11, we arrived with sweatshirts, a flashlight, cameras in preparation for our adventure. As we arrived at the entrance a group was emerging with helmets, headlights and coats and Ben looked at me and I looked at him and decided we were a bit too over ambitious, so he took the boys into the icy cave with chalastophibic, low ceilings and I chased the little three up top -- while Hannah decided to throw a fit, and Zeke kept wanting to venture down- it was chaos. That is where my life is at right now, chaos, flexibility, tantrums, complaining, cries, etc. I am so thankful to  be here living this insane life with them.

     The beauty of this country is overwhelming Walnut Canyon, Sunset Cater, Petrified Forest,and the GRAnd Canyon.Ok, if i can figure out how to connect Ben's camera to the computer I will post some amazing pictures!

   

   I tried, I failed, ?I am terrible at technology-will update when Ben wakes up... pics to come.. this is my very long, bet attempt at one handed blogging-frustrating yes 

Glow Sticks at Night

             

   So, Ive done a terrible job updating my blog over the past two years. I feel really bad about that. For the past couple of nights, the boys and I have gone outside and played games with glow sticks, hid them around the yard, under the pool, in cracks in the fence.We search all over the yard in the warm"spring " night with the moon shining brightly down on us. Jay runs around the yard with a glow hat on, laughing care free. I truly enjoy the boys getting older.
Now we can do fun stuff like staying up later. Jayden is ten, up to my shoulders, a leader, he has  funny sense of humor-very dry. Which cracks me up. Austen is very much the one I can rely on to fix problems, fix if something is broken.
In the col of the night, I reflect on how special these moments  are . Our lives have been in upheaval and stressful for so long. It feels so refreshing to be able to let down these past few evenings.Laying on the grass, locating the big dipper the stars. Glow sticks are $1 at target- cheap fun. It doesn't take much just your time. I have learned so much these  past two years, and I'm still learning.I have the best seven person  team in the universe. We have been through so much together that has made us stronger.
    God is faithful, time is precious and limited. Make the most of it, go out and have glow stick  nights.
       

Presenting Amazing Austen and Genius Jayden...

     We had so much fun buying the kids Christmas presents this year,It was the first year that Ben and i did it together  and I am so thankful for my kids ' imaginations....In this day and age, its def, something that needs to be cultivated. With their gifts they both had asked for a magic kit with over 100 tricks in it and we were so excited to give it to them.They opened it and were jumping up and down with excitement They both have their own amazing black hats. Austen is the assistant, per Jayden and Riah is the apprentice. I love how they study the trick book and carry it everywhere , wowing us with their mind blowing tricks:)

    Today was an amazing day with them. I had 5 hours of unsupervised  time with the 3 oldest, we cleaned their bedrooms, played veterinarian.. thanks to my awesome mother in law who made an absolutely amazing doctor kit for the kids for Christmas, with felt band aids, stethoscopes, scrubs, doctor  ids, laminated rx forms, medical info forms.We had so much  fun pretending . Have I mentioned how much I love them??? We then went outsides and had a picnic, and a magic  show of course. It was a gorgeous 68.I read " Caps for Sale" and " Stone Soup" which my mil made felt props to go with both  of  them.. So much fun!!!!!We then  ended our time withhot cocoa in the living room watching Robin Hood together . Here are some life parenting lessons, I have thought about today:

1. If you are going to have hot cocoa fill the mug to overflowing with marshmallows
2. Look with bewilderment at your children's tricks, even if you know how its done
3. Hug them often
4. Be patient, they are still learning
5. Slow down and role play with them, they love it when you play with them
6. Cultivate their imaginations, don't rely on tablets , video games , get them way from the screen or limit them

Toddlers and Tiaras

        My three-year old is obsessed, nay I say consumed with "dress up " lately. If you stop over at any given moment she will be donning rubber boots, three tutus and asking if she looks like a princess. Yes, Hannah you do.. but princesses never toot and laugh about it at the table. Her sweet little nose is always dirty. Not sure why. I am in love with her high pitch singing of "hark the herald  angels sing" and her and ad-libbing when she doesn't know the words. Her hair is long and radiantly blonde( I pays a lot of money for that look), and bouncy. She has the sweetest disposition unlike the girls on the TLC show.Although, she can erupt  without a moments notice over wanting to wear a dress on a hike. Many times, she tries  to be helpful but it ends creating  more mess than needed. One time she wanted to hold the dust pan for me, and paraded right through the dirt pile spreading dirt everywhere. The other day, she was going to the bathroom with her rubber boots o as well as her tutus and I wish i had my camera right then. Sweetest thing ever.She always has a baby tucked in her tutu and enjoys being with child. Her prayers are lightning fast, high pitched and profound. I am so thankful for my Lou. Her love of life brings such joy to me.

So Scared

    A year ago, i went into labor with Ezekiel Asher Benjamin. I was scared, terrified of how to care for an infant, when I could barely care for myself. This was the longest, hardest year of my life. I couldn't problem solve him do to the stroke. I cried myself to sleep most nights, with a screaming newborn next to me.I tried to nurse him,change him, dress him, support his neck with one arm. It was incredibly hard . I gave Krista more peep shows than she probably ever cared to see :)Just keeping it real. So many times, Ben and  I would question whether God cared or listened to us. I figured He creed nothing  about us. I felt alone, afraid and defeated, discouraged...and I had a new life to care for. I had no idea how to care for Zeke post stroke.
    In labor, I was afraid of getting the epidural due to my blood thinners, I didn't want any bleeding in my spine. So, I was going to try to do it natural, but my blood pressure started to get too high. I gave birth to a beautiful, smooshed, World changer amidst so much pain and fear. I stared at his little life, I couldn't believe that God preserved him through the whole stroke, through multiple x rays, morphine, mri, and ct scans, not able to walk, sit, hold my neck up, move my left arm. He was perfect, just like God's never ending love for me.
    God is close to there broken hearted. He proved himself so faithful through this past year, he helped me to nurse for six months. He also gave us Krista, who did more for all of us than I could ever repay. Most Mondays, we would get up early scrambling around to  get ready for speech therapy. I would pump for many many bottles for Zeke to drink while i was at therapy and six hour neuro psych testing.. Every second we would lay him down to try and get ready,make lunch for the other four and  he would wake up and cry. It tore my heart apart to constantly have to leave him for multiple therapies and I felt so alone.
I needed God's strength, yet I felt weak. Day after day, week after week. Looking back I can see God's grace, peace and strength. He truly never left us even in our darkest most despairing hour. I never imagined ending my family this way.Yet, even more i can never imagine my life without Christ and Ezekiel. They both have forever impacted my life in life changing ways. . Never will I leave you nor nor for sake you. Ezekiel means " Jehovah will strengthen", not may  or possibly..but WILL!!!!

      I cried out to God to help us, he gave us Krista who started getting up with Zeke once i started CTN just so I could get a complete night's sleep for a day of therapy the next.I cannot sugar coat this past year it was difficult, lonely and terrifying..yet, my faith in God is so deep.I did not look forward to my pregnancy for the majority . Now I am head over heels in love with my little walker, his beautiful smile and laugh, his peacemaker's heart , his wavy  blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes. Yes, God carried us through this past year, Ezekiel I love you so much, I am thankful for your life. You bless me, your babbles are beautiful .

Pudgy Feet, Tousled Hair

   

I love the way Hanns walks silently down the stairs after her nap, two fingers in her mouth; blanket swung over her shoulder a sweet smile on her face. I just want to remember her sweet personality. When my cab comes in the morning, she calls it my "tattoo"(therapy). Last Saturday, I was just waking up from a nap and so was she ..instead of going downstairs she raids the game closet and quietly knocks on my door and asks  me, pulling her fingers out of her mouth, if I will play a game with her???Absolutely!I live for these moments.I am thankful, i am alive for these moments. They are precious!    
      So, we sat down  on the floor and I teach her about turn taking, being selfless, following rules, all while having fun.I love my role as a mama !!!!
  I kiss her soft, tousled hair and it smells so sweet, and hug her little bod, thanking God for the opportunity and privilege to raise her.Everywhere she goes she sings bible songs...she is constantly requesting it. "Twoseys,twoseys".
    Tonight, we played orphanage with all the girls' dolls and pets and comforted our crying babies, read them the bible, gave kisses.
   
Yes,I am gone all day but when I a home,I am present for the life that I have been blessed with.Girls, your Mama is a fighter, her strength comes from God, yes the journey is long, but I breathe in and out fighting to return to you. Never question my love for you, it is deep, never ending, I've gone to hell and back for you...I will not give up, by God's grace I will not stop  smelling your sweet, tousled blonde hair, pudgy toddler feet, and teaching you how to care and comfort your future families .

How to Make the Most of Long Car rides?

        I am someone who cannot stand doing sitting and doing nothing...So, I look for ways to enrich my life in any way I can, by way of...audio books!!! I take a cab into CTN everyday with  a 40 min. car ride to and from with the Paul, my driver who is an aspiring pastor( no joke) and listens to sermons the entire way.I  have discovered the Phoenix Electronic library , and I now pass the time with my headphones in  and go on many different adventures . Right now, I am listening to The Magicians Nephew, A Christmas Carol, The Tale of Desperaux, MrPopper's penguins,A Secret Garden....I am loving it with all my homework through my rehab program.. I don't have time to read classics...so I listen now
        I sit and watch people talk on their cell phones, pick their noses(when they think  no one is looking ), I smile smugly to myself at the horror they would feel if the knew that I sat silently in the next car over observing their secretive habit, hidden obscurely behind a black veil of tinted windows , with my headphones on , seemingly unengaged with the world around me. Yet, I am keenly aware of the world that surrounds me as I travel down the highway at rush hour .  After three months of traveling via cab, I have only  recently come to realize the enjoyment of an electronic library ...I finished Sign of the Beaver last week!!!!So by the time I'm done with this program next year, who knows  how many books I'll have"read", or noses I watched picked??Time will tell, it's how i keep life interesting :)