Where do I fit? Everyone moved at lightning speed around me, I couldn't stand for more than 15 seconds without getting winded and an adult chaperone nearby. No one needed me for making them a meal, unloading a dishwasher, driving them to a library class, homeschooling, playing games(my brain could nor comprehend basic instructions and if I tried too her I would vomit). I was unable to schedule a dentist appointment, could not swing the kids as the park, my husband held my hand as I shakily went around a teeny, itsy, bitsy , neighborhood square(did i mention it was tiny (pre stroke I worked out hardcore DAILY)).
I'm useless; I felt on more than one occasion. Ben and I cried daily at our broken, shattered lives, to have and to hold was a little more difficult now... we were 29 and 30.
I remember the joy I felt when the kids sat on my lap, hugged me, said "I love you." After returning home, my voice was a whisper bc of paralyzed vocal chords and totally flat.. but it took all the strength in me to read my four year old a story... and you know what?! We both cried together... bc she saw me as valuable as her strong Mama who fought to come back home and love on her. I sobbed. I have value not in what I do but in who I am to God, Ben, and the 5 small humans who call me "Mama"
They have never asked me why I never unloaded the dishwasher for months, but the oldest one recalls the fear and uncertainty of my time in the hospital.
This life that God gave me, that Satan tried to destroy. Will be a living testimony to how great my God is- I didn't say it would always be beautiful... but what satan meant for evil, God can turn to good!
|first day home|
|Jayden;s 8th bday party, day before|
|kids sleeping in our bedroom to be close to Daddy|
|couldn't stand, 13 weeks pregnant, couldn't lift my head|
|my sweet friend Stefanie loved on my kiddos the day after the stroke|