Yesterday, I kinda had a freak out moment. I found out , a few days ago, that the people who put our one and only offer in our home can no longer purchase it and the feelings of being suffocated and trapped immediately consumed me and my thoughts. I am a pretty passionate person. To say that I feel like burning down wall street and all of the selfish and greedy men and women who put us all into this housing crisis, is an understatement. Part of me, wants to go back to work for like 4 years straight, work full time , save that money and pay cash and a "screw you" to all the banks, lenders, etc. If you can't handle my honesty, stop reading- this is my blog.
Anyways, yesterday was a super busy day of driving an hour north of us so Jayden could do his bible quiz competition. He did great and pretty much kept my mind off of our home. Then we get home and my mind immediately zeros in on what is going on. I get frustrated, angry, and feel completely helpless. Why should we have to stay in 1100 sq feet with 4 children ??? Don't get me wrong, foreclosing to me means nothing to me anymore. I could careless. We are simply trying this avenue of selling to say we literally tried everything. Anyways, I get home and start researching. How many times have I gotten myself into trouble by "researching" instead of praying. I feel like this past year has been filled with so much frustration, heartache and joy. How does that happen?? Soooo, I go to sleep and my dreams are all filled with people taking things from me, again, a sign that I'm not praying but rather dwelling on something i cannot change. Why does God feel the need to reveal Himself , to us, in these ways??? That is my biggest question. It has always been like this and I told Ben last night, I'm getting sick of it. I am sick of "others", in my opinion, getting free handouts, blah, blah, blah.....Ben told me that I'm complaining.....wow, he's right.....
Today at church, I'm sitting in the nursing room with my dear miracle....again, a miracle and breakthrough that happened when I thought the situation couldn't have looked any darker or more bleak and the visiting pastor was talking about thanksgiving in uncertain times, with uncertain outcomes, etc...I felt that my heart attitude, as of late, has been very critical, angry and bitter. I felt that in order for me to make it through this seeming less impossible situation I needed to change it....so, I am writing this verse on my refrigerator:
1 Thess 5:16-18 "Rejoice always; 17pray without ceasing; 18in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"
Ephesians 5:20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Ephesians 5:4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
Colossians 3:17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
So, here is my honesty and my frustration. I do not feel fine but I chose to believe, I do not feel that this siatuion will ever change, but I chose to have faith in a God who is Faithful and who is working behind the scenes. I cannot tell you how this will turn out, but I believe that God, with our faith in him, will guide us through this. We have always given our finances to God-for me, I am someone who like to plan, when there is no plan, I struggle with that. So God, I'm letting go, free my mind from my anxious thoughts, my out of control feelings, my anger towards unknown faces and allow me to believe and have faith that you have not forgotten me and know our needs before we even ask. Amen.