After I got through my extended moment of contemplating whether or not ripping my clothes, throwing ashes over me and running through the streets of my small town was a practical solution I sobbed to Ben and we prayed.
Why do I do this over and over? At times, I feel that being a first born has already landed me "controlling" tendencies. I want to plan, be prepared and execute something to the fullest of its extent so I can take care of things. Ben is like that too, so the two of us together should make us very efficient people. Yet, time and time again as I look back at the major areas of our lives, finances, jobs, children and housing....not one time has it EVER gone to plan, our plan. Each time I give over that area to God, but not other areas until he goes through that area and then I give it back. Yet, I feel I give it temporarily because I feel that ultimately, I"m here on Earth so obviously I can move a bit faster and make things happen a little better than He can. I know this all sounds foolish but the more and more I write the more and more I realize this is exactly my illogical train of thought.
There have been times that God has allowed doors to stay open that we have walked through that probably wasn't the right timing, ie: testing for jobs in Nashville or going to Phoenix prematurely. However, we learned. Ben ended up with a leg injury that took months to heal, he trained harder, became stronger and passed all of his tests the first time....then on to phase 2 of his testing they had to stop a particular test due to a physilogical response....so instead of trusting God and waiting on Him we pursued another area altogether. WE ended up at the very end of that hiring process only to find out they were looking to meet their EO/AA quotas or something like that. Again, at the end of our rope, I'm back at working and having two kids feeling totally backed against a wall and Phoenix calls and offers him both phases in testing right before Thanksgiving, he passes and we move within 10 days.
Children, planned on waiting for at least 5 years before having our first.....I went to college yet was on a death tract. My goal was to finish has fast and furious as I possibly could not stopping to really ever think what I truly wanted to go into. I always talked about having a family and getting married but ultimately I wanted to be a wife and mom more than anything. So instead of pursuing cosmetology ( which to this day I am still glad I did not) I went to college. I loved college, excelled there and completed my BA within three years but could not figure out what to do with my education. I was already researching masters programs for who knows what when we found out that in September of my senior year, we were expecting....yep, three months after getting married. Talk about a blessing from God- but at the time a little crazy. We now have our family because of our initial, God sent blessing - Jayden. If you have read my blog long enough you know the miraculous story of Hannah's pregnancy and Austen is Jayden's " Jonathan" while Moriah is a beautiful blessing after my first miscarriage.
I could go on and on with the house issue. We have prayed and trusted God with our finances yet when it came to moving to an area with the average house price 250k back 4.5 years ago there is no way that we could have actually afforded that in reality. Again, I cried and cried. I know, something is majorly wrong with me. God again provided.
Flash forward to now. I am more than determined after my last break down not to let that happen again. We have no idea where we are moving . Our house will be sold in 3 weeks. But I throw my hands up God and release this control to you. Life isn't always good, but You are. Help me to trust you in this area, yet again.
I looked up peace in the bible, according to strong's concordance:
1) a state of national tranquillity
a) exemption from the rage and havoc of war
2) peace between individuals, i.e. harmony, concord
3) security, safety, prosperity, felicity, (because peace and harmony make and keep things safe and prosperous)
4) of the Messiah's peace
a) the way that leads to peace (salvation)
5) of Christianity, the tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and content with its earthly lot, of whatsoever sort that is
6) the blessed state of devout and upright men after death- here are some verses to meditate on:
Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Colossians 3:15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful.
I have no idea what this week will bring. I am packing in faith of being somewhere safe, a little more spacious than we have now and affordable. But I am determined to press on, to shed this negative air that I have carried for much too long and to walk in confidence. Forgive me God for not trusting You. Thank you for making me a planner and a hard worker but forgive me when I take it too far- your peace is what I ask you for right now, a peace like this " 5) of Christianity, the tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and content with its earthly lot, of whatsoever sort that is". With arms high and heart abandoned- I TRUST YOU!