Last year, at this time, there was so much pain in my heart due to the two recent miscarriages I had gone through. At that time, I became an advocate for natural childbirth, midwives and doulas. I educated myself on the system that is now in place and, in my very strong opinion, the conspiracy and stolen right to experience childbirth the way it was designed. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote, may I never forget the power and might of God.
I am beginning this book, not has someone who has all the answers, a licenced psychologist, physician, therapist or pastor. I am beginning this book as a woman who has just recently lost my third baby, in a row, fourth total to miscarriage and my feelings are raw; untamed and overwhelming. You, no less, are reading this book due to a recent event in your own life or in the life of someone dear to you. You search , as I do, for answers and cry out to God who seems to be so silent in those moments of anger, hurt, frustration and tears. My prayer is that this writing will not only be therapeutic for me, as I begin to release the torrent of emotions that feel breeched by an unspoken dam, but helpful to you.
I have found that there are very few resources out there designed to validate one's emotions, encourage and support one through a very difficult and unanticipated journey, one you never asked for, one you never wanted. To have a child? Should this statement always end with a question mark instead of a period? As I continue through this chapter in my life, one I never wanted to revisit, I will try to find comfort in learning who God is, what does grieving a miscarriage look like, what role do our friends and family play, and how will my heart, as broken and shattered as it is , ever be restored.
I pray that you, in the midst of your swollen eyes, shock, numb emotions, anger, abandonment, and desperation will cling on to these next few words, as I am now. For now, I have empty arms, a shattered heart but I am believing in a restoring God who will fill my arms and restore my heart.